On broken wings
by 3DBABE1999
Summary: Sam ends up getting drugged and it makes him talkative, turns out he and Dean have a lot of unresolved issues... No spoilers past Season 6 but is meant to be set somewhere in the close future.
1. Chapter 1

Supernatural

"On broken wings."

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No spoilers past Season 6 except mentions of Rufus Turner's cabin. Could still be set in the future if all the stuff from Season 7 gets resolved and things go back to normal. But hospitals still aren't safe. Trying to keep it within minimal quantities of offensive content but giving it a "T" rating just to be safe.

Things people need to know: There are reasons why the brothers can't go to Bobby's and why they can't call Bobby for help I can't say why because that would be giving spoilers to Season 7.

Setting: Sam's been drugged, he gets all loopy and talkative... Turns out he and Dean have a LOT of issues to resolve.

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Dean pulled up in the driveway to the cabin ripped the keys out of the Impala's ignition and hauled Sam inside.

Sam gave a chuckle as Dean layed him on the bed saying "You have four eyes. Did you know you have four eyes? Do I have four eyes?" Sam put his hands to his face to feel.

"Nope Sammy you still have only two eyes." Said Dean as he gently pulled Sam's hands away from his face before he could poke himself in both eyes.

Sam grabbed Dean's hands and gave another chuckle saying "Now your nose is upside down."

"That's nice Sammy." Said Dean as he tried to pry Sam's hands off him, but Sam only clutched at him tighter.

"Well how about you just let go of me so I can go.." Dean started to say but Sam interupted with a frightened "No don't go Dean, I'll be good don't go."

"Sam I'm only going..." But Sam interupted again with "No Dean... I'm sorry! Don't leave. I promise I'll be good."

Dean huffed he didn't have the heart to rip himself out of Sam's grasp.

He was scared, he didn't know what was in Sam's system or how it had gotten there and he was terrified that whatever it was could prove fatal. He would give anything to be able to take Sammy to a hospital right now, but that was impossible.

Dean was on his own and he had no idea how to help Sam, it was the most helpless he had ever felt in his life.

All he could do was let Sam continue to cling to him and hope that whatever was in his little brother's system would wear off soon with no adverse effects.

Now Sam started to laugh again as he said "Dean, how are you making the wall change colors?"

Dean shook his head and whispered in a tone of awe "Magic, Sammy." and he made a gesture out with his hands while wiggling his fingers for dramatic effect and that seemed to make Sam happy for a moment before Sam's smile dropped again as he pouted "I used to believe in magic, I used to wish all the monsters in the world would just MAGICALLY disapear so we could stop hunting and just be a family. But I've made all the family I ever had, die. I killed them all. So why should I get my wish?"

"Sammy, you didn't make anyone die." Said Dean as he tried to sooth his little brother but Sam replied "Mom died because the yellow eyed demon was after me and the yellow eyed demon was after me because I'm Lucifer's vessel. If I hadn't been born she would still be alive, so would dad and you would have never gone to hell. All of you died just because I was born. If I never existed you would be married by now, you'd be a dad and your mother and father would be alive to see their grandchildren."

"They were your mother and father to Sammy." Said Dean as he felt his heart break.

"They wouldn't have been if I never lived. I should have never been born. All that time dad hunted the yellow eyed demon when the real monster that was responsible for killing his wife grew up right under his nose. He should have killed me when he found out I would turn out evil. You should've killed me several times over, or just let me stay dead instead of selling your soul to save the person who murdered your family."

Now Sam sounded angry as he growled "You died and went to hell because of me and I couldn't save you. I wasn't even strong enough to just kill myself and join you. Instead I got drunk and tried to numb the pain and when that didn't work I moved on to something stronger and ended up showing you the kind of monster I really am and you still wouldn't kill me."

"Sam you're not a monster, I was wrong to ever say that to you." Dean cried as now he was the one clinging to Sam.

"No you weren't, look at everything I've done. I deserved the hell my heaven turned out to be. Even heaven knew I didn't deserve anything good. Knew that I don't deserve you." Said Sam as he finally started to let himself be laid down.

"What do you mean, your heaven was hell? Dean asked his now clearly groggy brother.

"Those memories weren't good. They were some of the worst times in my life and I kept thinking: "If that was heaven then there must have been something good about the memories I was seeing." So I tried to justify what I saw to you and to myself. It wasn't till we wound up in the night I left for Stanford that I realized. That was probably the worst time in my life up until I saw you die for the first time. I wonder what you would have thought if that had been the next memory that was shown for me." Said Sam as he started to writhe from discomfort. Now he was sweating profusely.

"You were right to throw away my love like it meant nothing to you. I just wish you would have thrown me away that night to." Sam cried.

Now Dean's heart clenched in his chest as he remembered dropping Sam's gift to him in the trash and he whispered "I'm sorry Sammy."

"Everyone always tells me they're sorry. But they never say why." Sam whispered back as he finally passed out.

The next morning when Sam woke up his pupils were still dialated and he almost instantly started to giggle about something only he could see. Then he pointed at nothing and said "Three. Three pretty bees. That rhymes. And they sparkle like little stars but dance like fireflies. Fire and it burns hot I'm sorry I let you burn." Now he sounded sad again and Dean was at his side instantly.

"Hey Sammy, I made some food. Are you hungry?" Asked Dean as he tried to distract Sam from becoming depressed again.

"STARVING." Sam replied and his eyes grew bigger to show his anticipation for food and Dean was thankful that whatever was in Sam's system at least gave his little brother the munchies. The sooner he could get food in Sam the quicker that stuff would leach out of his little brother's blood stream. Or at least that's what he hoped...

Now Sam stood up and swayed like he may fall back down and Dean steadied him saying "Whoa, Sammy just take it easy, just lay back down before you hurt yourself all you have to do is tell me what you need and I'll get it for you, you don't have to get up for anything. How's that sound?"

"Awesome!" Sam exclaimed then he looked at Dean drunkinly and asked "Can you bring me the toilet?"

Dean knew that wasn't meant as sarcasm, Sam really did think the toilet could be moved to him, he was just that far gone right now.

"You gotta do number one or number two?" Dean asked in a nervous voice as he realized he was going to have to help Sam do either.

"I have to throw up." Sam pouted and Dean had never felt so relieved in his life as he responded with "I'll bring a trashcan over so you can throw up in it cuz if I lift the toilet I might pull a muscle."

"Good thinking. The toilet is probably really heavy when I think about it." Said Sam.

"Well I'm strong enough to lift the trashcan I promise." Dean replied.

"I took it out of the trash." Sam said in that sad voice that said he was quickly heading towards depressed again and Dean asked calmly "Took what out of the trash Sammy?" although he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.

"I know you wanted to throw it away, never wanted to see it again. I don't blame you, but I couldn't just leave it there, I had to be stupid enough to hope you would think my love was worth wearing it again someday. But then I realized my love was never worth anything because I've never deserved you, never deserved the things you've given me, never deserved the way you always take care of me. I just wish I hadn't been the one to hurt you, the one to take everything away from you. If your father had just seen me for the evil thing I've always been and killed me then he would have had his revenge and then you would have never had to grow up as a hunter." Sam replied in a groggy tone as Dean put the trashcan by the bed.

Sam climbed back into the bed, slumped back against the headboard and looked around like he was dazed as he said "The room's spinning."

Dean helped Sam roll to his side and got the trashcan under him just in time for Sam to puke up everything he'd eaten the day before.

As gross as it was Dean inspected the vomit for anything that might be suspect and saw what looked like a pink and yellow swirled froth that coated what had been Sam's stomach contents.

Trying not to vomit himself Dean sat the trashcan back on the floor then started to rub circles over Sam's back as he asked "Feel better now?"

Sam managed to look back up at him but now he looked weak and shaky as he said "My stomach hurts." Now there were tears in Sam's eyes as he curled into a ball and rolled over to face away from Dean and continued with "But my back still hurts worse."

"When did your back start hurting?" Dean asked suddenly more concerned than he'd already been as he started to inspect Sam's back for injuries.

"Six years ago. It hasn't ever stopped hurting. But I know that it's just there to remind me that if I'd stayed dead you'd have never burned in Hell because of me." Sam stated and now his voice was far past the depressed zone and headed towards distraught.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner that your back's been hurting this whole time?" Dean asked angrily.

"At first I thought it was just still sore cause I had just survived being stabbed and I didn't want to be a wuss, then when I realized I hadn't survived and that I was only alive because you sold your freaking soul to bring me back I felt like not complaining about my stupid little back ache was the least I could do because I didn't want to seem ungrateful, you know: "Yeah thanks for selling your soul to save me Dean but my back hurts. So could you do something about that to or can you not sell your soul more than once to help a brother out?" Sam replied.

Dean shook his head as he mentally cursed both his little brother's stubborness and his stupidity as he asked "Well is there anything that helps make it better?"

As soon as he asked he realized it was a stupid question as Sam had all but stated earlier that the demon blood helped numb the pain he'd been feeling and now he realized Sam hadn't meant just mental and emotional pain.

Then it hit him like a freight train as he realized just what Sam had been going through lately and he had to ask "Sam did you try to make the pain go away again?"

"I don't try to make the pain go away anymore cause now I know I've always deserved it." Sam stated and now Sam flopped over to his back and said with a dead serious calm "I think my real punishment is knowing that I can never really suffer enough to pay for what I've done, for what I am. I think even an eternity in The Cage isn't enough punishment for the kind of evil I am."

"Sam you're not evil." Dean growled.

"I've murdered my whole family, I''ve drank demon blood, I started the apocalypse, I've made angels become crazy and corupt and I've killed innocent people. Not to mention I became the freaking Devil. I think that qualifies me as something that's definitely not good." Said Sam as he clenched his fist in the bed sheet and struggled not to grimace from the pain in his abdomen. But Dean caught it anyway and he helped Sam roll over for if he needed to throw up again.

Dean rubbed circles over Sam's back until Sam drifted back off to sleep. He didn't know when whatever was in Sam's system would finally make it's way out all he knew was that when it did he was going to have a long talk with his little brother...

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Please review and tell me what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

"On broken wings."

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A/N: Wow 8 followers in such a short time with 2 requests for more! Thank You guys SO MUCH! I'm a giver that keeps giving as long as there's readers who keep reading, reviewing and asking for more! Thank you sky1963 and laurie31 for reviewing and alerting! Think you ghfan22222 for faving and alerting! Thank you to: abalone1, balise89, BitterSweetJoy,havang, kissmewinchester and Star Mage1 for alerting! I LOVE to show my graditude and I'm thrilled that you guys read and like this!

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When Sam next woke up his pupils were still dilated and he was still acting both drunk and high.

It was exhausting for Dean as watching his little brother lose his mind was slowly driving him insane.

Dean was helpless as Sam went from "happy drunk" to "depressed whiny drunk" to "tripping out" then full circle back to "happy drunk" again.

One moment Sam was laughing at how "The colors on the ceiling are swirling in a spiral.", when the ceiling was white then crying about how it reminded him of the night he opened The Cage, then the next moment his words were slurring as he told Dean he was "bossy", when all Dean did was tell Sam he "should" try to eat something since Sam hadn't eaten for almost sixteen hours, eventually winding up with Sam happily telling Dean he loves him and that Dean's the greatest big brother ever, then getting mopey again as he says "I never deserved anything as good as you".

Dean was pretty sure nothing could rip at his heart more than Sam not believing he deserved anything good until Sam continued to ramble "Only one time I thought I deserved something good after I found out about what Yellow Eyes did to me was after I felt the pain in my spine fade, everything went black and I heard a woman's voice telling me it was time to go."

"I let the voice take me and when I was able to see again there she was, mom was glowing with this beautiful white light and she told me she loved me and that it was time to go. But I was afraid I'd never see you again. And what mom told me made me think for a second that even I could have something good. She said: "Dean is your soulmate as am I and when it's his time he'll join you and me in our Heaven and we'll be able to be together forever."."

"I was so happy Dean when I heard you'd join us someday so I went with her, I was finally going to know our mom and when it was time for you to come HOME to I'd never have to worry about losing you ever again cause you'd finally really be safe. The only sadness I felt was knowing that dad couldn't be there with us but mom told me everything would eventually work out to where dad could join us as well."

"But I guess I didn't deserve all that happiness cause I was ripped away from mom right after I saw what our Heaven was supposed to be. It was HOME Dean, really HOME, it was going to be you, me, mom and eventually dad finally together again as a family for forever."

Once Sam was done rambling about Heaven he started to segue into rambling about Hell and Dean nearly lost his lunch as Sam spoke of the tortures he endured while in The Cage.

After Sam passed back out again Dean started to get desperate and he called for the only one he knew that might be able to help Sam.

"Cas, I know you've got your own issues to deal with and you might not be able to answer, but if you can hear me Sam is sick, he needs you, I need you to help him."...

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It had been over fourty-eight hours and Sam still wasn't getting any better, in fact he was getting worse and Dean was feeling more helpless than ever because if Sam died there'd be no way of getting him back this time and the permanent finality of that scared Dean more than anything that he'd ever had to face. Now Dean understood how Sam had felt when there appeared to be no way to rescue him from Hell after his deal had come due and now he also knew how selfish he'd been to make that deal as Sam would have never suffered through all the pain and guilt that came after...

Sam became feverish and he was now losing coherency more and more and he was scaring Dean by seeming to forget things little by little sometimes accidentally calling Dean "Dad" or asking who Dean was, which terrified Dean as he felt Sam slipping away...

Then Sam's temperature spiked and Sam started to seize and Dean became a quivering, sobbing wreck as soon as Sam finally settled back into unconsciousness.

Dean didn't leave Sam's bedside even after fourty-eight hours became seventy-two hours. Then Sam took a few seconds to long to breath causing Dean to finally lose it.

After that tremendous scare Dean climbed into bed, layed beside Sam and BEGGED Sam not to die until he could no longer form words through his wailing sobs.

Dean clutched Sam tightly and just bawled as Sam's breathing grew shallow and Sam's pulse became thready...

Dean couldn't take it anymore and he didn't know what to do so he did the only thing he could think of.

Dean closed his eyes, layed Sam's head over his heart and caressed Sam's forehead continuously as he began to sing "Hey Sam, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let me into your heart, then we can start to make it better. And anytime you feel the pain, hey Sam, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders. For, well, you know that I was a fool that played it cool, by making your world a little colder." ...

"I believe you have the lyrics wrong." Said a monotoned voice that could only belong to Castiel.

Dean opened his eyes and gave Cas a death glare as he growled "Where have you been?! Sam's been laying here slowly dying while you were busy doing whatever crazy angels do!"

"I apologize, but there is nothing that can be done for Sam. The poison that is coursing through his veins has no antidote." Cas replied.

"How would you know?" Dean snarled.

"Because I poisoned him." Cas stated cooly.

"You son of a bitch!" Dean bellowed as he shot to a stand "I thought you were our friend! I trusted you, treated you like family and forgave your screwups and you're betraying us again!"

Dean laid into Cas with punches to the face.. He was to far gone to care about the fact he was breaking his hands. Cas only stood there quiet and expressionless and let Dean get out his rage. Suddenly there was a flash of light from next where Sam was laying.

The light was so bright and it was accompanied by a loud VERY high pitched ringing noise making Dean instinctively fall to the floor with his eyes clenched shut and his hands over his ears.

"So it's finally done I take it?" asked a familiar voice that enraged Dean even further as he fought to a stand and turned to glare at Zachariah.

"As ordered." Castiel replied.

"Good. Now that the abomination has been dealt with properly we also have no further use for his brother so he needs to be annihilated as well." Zachariah commanded.

"I do not understand brother." Castiel said with apparent confusion.

"I'm saying that since the abomination is dead his brother must die as well so that he won't be around to bring the abomination back.. again." Zachariah replied with a sneer.

"I see." Castiel said solemnly, then he looked past Dean to Sam's lifeless form and replied "So you believe that I killed Sam Winchester."

"You said it was taken care of as ordered." Zachariah growled.

"Yes, but he did not say who's orders he was following." Sam stated as he came to a stand.

"Impossible." Zachariah whispered in horror.

"Hello brother." Sam replied with his eyes boring intently into Zachariah's which thoroughly confused the hell out of Dean. Then Sam's eyes flashed yellow which made Dean shrink away out of instinct before Sam looked to him and said "No need to fear me Dean. Castiel, dear brother would you please take Dean someplace safe, say.. three, four states over and explain to him exactly what is going on while I take care of this traitor?"

"Of course your grace." Castiel replied as he bowed low before he gripped Dean's shoulder and transported him to safety..

Shortly after Dean was able to get steady on his feet again there was a bright white light that lit up the sky for miles accompanied by a high pitched ringing then followed by a clap of thunder before the night became quiet and still again.

"What the HELL IS GOING ON?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER YOU BASTARD?!" Dean screamed.

"Did you know Sam still prays every night?" Castiel asked.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BLAMING HIM FOR THIS YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Dean roared.

Cas held out his hands in gesture of surrender as he tried to explain. "Sam has been praying every night since your father's friend Jim Murphy taught him about faith at the age of five. Sam used to pray for love and acceptance, because even then he understood that your father was emotionally distant from him."

"Then when Sam found out what kind of work your father did he started praying for his family's safety. When Sam left for Stanford it wasn't just because he hated hunting, it was because he hated the fact that one day he was going to lose the only family he had left and he didn't want to have to see it happen. Much like YOU never wanted to have to be the only one left to bury your family Sam just wanted to be able to pretend that he wouldn't ever have to face a day where he was the only one left in your family period."

"Then Jessica died and Sam started praying for justice for her and for his family, which later became a thirst for vengeance when he found out Azazel had always had plans for him. After your father died Sam started praying in true earnest for you to be able to heal."

"When Sam found out about your crossroads deal he started praying for the strength and wisdom to be able to save you. He prayed for help to know the right thing to do when Ruby started tricking him with her wiles."

"NONE of Sam's prayers have ever really been answered, the both of you just always had to do things on your own despite how hard Sam prayed because everything that happened, ALL of it was meant to happen exactly as it did and no one could interfere to help you except where it was ordered from on high to do so. BUT then Sam started begging to be forgiven. He was in such an awful state of mind he'd started believing all the lies he'd been told throughout his life, he started believing he was evil, a freak, a monster, an abomination and that he deserved Hell and GOD couldn't bear to see that he'd failed Sam so he ordered for several wrongs in Sam's life to be put right."

"First Zachariah is to be punished for working with Lillith and Ruby to free Lucifer and for tampering with what you ended up thinking was Sam's Heaven and GOD thought since it was Sam who was wronged that Sam deserved to get to personally have a hand in the task of smiting him. Second Sam will be shown that he has NEVER deserved Hell as the one using Sam as a vessel right now will show Sam the ETERNITY he is guaranteed to have when his time to pass does come."

"For now let me explain WHY things were the way they were and WHY they HAD to be that way."

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A/N: Dun dun dun! What was the "poison"?, Who's using Sam as a vessel?, Will Dean get Sam back? Will BOTH Sam AND Dean finally get absolution?.. Stay tuned!.. And PLEASE review!


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